I thought I had written about this phenomenon before, but I couldn’t find a post about it. Over the years, I’ve gone through numerous times on social media where friendships fracture and break because someone decides I should only post what they want to see. One of the times I remember was a former writer at Epinions I was acquainted with, but hadn’t met offline or interacted with in any significant way, laid out his rules for his friendships on social media. I laughed but didn’t unfriend him at the time, figuring he would do that soon enough because I wasn’t about to change what I post to suit someone I barely knew. Eventually, he unfriended me over a different incident where I pointed out he fell into the “nothing matters unless it happens to me” crowd. Big surprise (not).

Everyone uses social media for different reasons. In my case, I use it as a way of communicating with my friends and relatives. Other people I’ve become acquainted with over the years are on my friends list, including people I met while working at a hotel, geocaching, and traveling, and others such as people I know from Epinions as I stated above. Many of these people I met in real life. Social media is a way for us to keep up with each other without having to pick up a phone. I can see what my cousins are doing without having to call them. We can share photos of our families. We can post about what’s happening in our lives as much as we choose to and can then message or call each other if we feel it’s needed.

I also use it as a sense of solidarity in these troubling times. I am not a fan of the village idiot we currently have as President here in the United States. There was a time, before social media, when I didn’t know people’s political leanings. That’s true even of people I “met” online. We might discuss things that gave me an impression of how they felt one way or another, but I can honestly say that until Barack Obama was elected, the conversations were much easier.

One of my “friends” who I had met in person as well as online began posting the most vile, racist things when President Obama was elected. I hadn’t pegged her or her family as racist, but it couldn’t be denied. At first, I tried to have a discussion about the supposed “questions” she would post and ask why no one was doing anything about it. I soon realized she was just listening to right-wing pundits like Rush Limbaugh and parroting what they said because it fit her preconceived ideas. I didn’t unfriend her, just made it so her posts didn’t show up in my feed and went on about my life.

When Donald Trump was elected, though, everything changed. She came on a post of mine and chewed me out for “disrespecting the President.” This was after I hadn’t said a word to her about the lies, disrespect, and racism she’d just spent eight years posting. At that point, I told her off, unfriended her, and blocked her. I don’t need that racist hypocrisy in my life.

Everyone has the right to use social media how they want. We don’t have an obligation to post only what other people approve of. Other people have the right to react to what we post. That means they can ignore, unfriend, block, or even challenge us on what we post. They can also show support.

Do I have an obligation to stop posting about my current medical issues simply because one acquaintance has decided she wants her social media to be a “happy place?” No. Unlike my former friend from Epinions, I can read between the lines that she’s probably going through a rough time and sympathize, but that doesn’t mean everyone else’s world stops turning. Should I give up keeping my friends and family informed about things, or showing solidarity with others of the same political leanings? What about how I am dealing with the current climate and worrying about certain things? Should I not talk about that because one person has decided she should only see happy things?

I think the answer is to deal with it the same way I dealt with my racist friend initially. If you’re struggling with things that some people post, unfollow them. This means their posts will not show up in your feed. In the case of Facebook, you can still remain friends and visit their profile whenever you choose. On other media, it’s not quite as easy, although most have a “snooze for 30 days” option. Once you unfollow someone on Bluesky or Threads, you might have to go back and follow them again to check if things have changed. It’s more like unfriending them.

Every now and then this demand crops up on someone’s page. They’ll post that they are going to unfriend or unfollow people who post certain things or who don’t post certain things. If it’s bothering you that much, why not just unfriend them or unfollow them? Why is it like you are saying they need to post what you want them to in order to remain your friend? I’ve unfriended a number of people I once considered a friend when I saw their true colors, like the woman I mentioned above who I “knew” for ten years before I realized she was racist. I never felt the need to announce to her that I was unfollowing her at the time, I just did it. I never felt the need to demand she stop posting racist memes in order to keep me as a friend, even though that became the case. I respected her right to think (and post) some pretty horrible things, but that was her right.

People use social media for many different reasons. I know how difficult it can be to read things that upset you. At that point, it’s up to you to curate your feed, not everyone else’s obligation to cater to you.