Suni Miller Zmich is an adoptee herself who had questions about her origins that couldn’t be answered. Like many of us who are adopted, there was a burning desire to know her origins, but not much to go on since it was an international adoption from Korea. This motivated her to write a book from the various perspectives of those touched by adoption. The adoptees are categorized as either domestic adoptions or international adoptions, and there are also conversations with adoptive parents and birth parents.

The conversations are very interesting. There are adoptees who always felt that something was missing from their lives and had a burning desire to fill in the hole inside of them. Others didn’t seem to think much about it; it was just a part of who they were. In one case, a man was adopted from Greece and never really searched. It was his birth family who found him. Even then, he was happy to have learned so much about where he came from, even though it wasn’t a key factor in his life before then.

In many of the other cases, though, adoptees experience identity issues, even when raised in loving homes. That resonated with me. I identified with many different stories told in this book. Unfortunately, when I was growing up, it was thought that children were a blank slate that could be raised to fit into the family with no issues. This didn’t prepare me, or my parents, for what lay ahead, no matter how much I was loved. Some of the stories here are reminiscent of that philosophy.

Suni asks all those she interviews about what advice to give to adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. It’s interesting that almost all the advice to adoptive parents is about encouraging a child’s individuality and need to find their identity. In the nature vs. nurture debate, there’s a lot to be ascribed to nature, and adoptive parents trying to deny that side of their child is detrimental to everyone.

Many of the adoptees here struggle to fit in. International adoptees experience not fitting in with the white community where they were raised, and also with the communities of their origins. Many feel a pull to those origins but don’t fit there. I liked reading about the more open adoptions that have been taking place. It makes it easier for an adoptee to have their questions answered and to know where they come from. It’s not all sweetness and light, though, as there’s one case in particular that moved me to tears. The adoptive parents there would have been better off cutting off contact with the birth mother, but it’s easy to say that in hindsight.

Overall, I enjoyed reading Through the Lens of Ourselves. The stories were well presented and represented a wide variety of angles. Some were unfamiliar to me, so it was good to gain more information. I’m glad there are more opportunities for adoption-centric counseling than there were when I was growing up, and also more for the adoptive parents as well.