I wasn’t going to write anything today, because it’s Christmas and all. But the presents are open, the desserts are chilling, and I have about an hour until we put the prime rib roast in. I was reading Facebook a little while ago and sending greetings to my friends when I came across this on the Reddit Ridiculousness page:
Now, first off, I agree that she’s not the asshole for skipping Christmas with her family. It’s everyone’s right to do what will make them happy over the holidays. I think she handled it poorly. She knew ahead of time the uproar it would cause and deliberately evaded and misled her family instead of being an adult and being honest about it. This was my answer:
NTA but there’s a better way to handle it. It sounds like OP knew she was going to cause a shitstorm and enjoy it. I went through this a little with my parents before I got married, but there are ways of working with it if you want to. I would have said “If that’s your rule, then fine. I will give you one night and stay at your home on Christmas Eve under your rule (hey it’s only one night, the OP can give a little), but any other time you expect us over we will be getting a hotel room.” and see what the reaction is to that. Compromise is part of every relationship.
My parents were very old-fashioned this way, but they gave in once I got engaged. I already had a child anyway, that was conceived outside of their house in the front seat of a car at the drive-in. It’s a matter of respecting other people and their values. And as I said, there is a way to compromise. If her parents wanted to have that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with the family, they could agree to sleep apart that night and then say they will spend the rest of the holiday and any other times they visit in a hotel room. I think that should be perfectly acceptable to everyone and keep the peace. If she didn’t want to go at all, she could have been honest about that too, instead of leading her parents to believe she would be there and then just not show up. Otherwise, she is playing games and deliberately trying to cause drama and ruin the rest of the family’s holiday. I’ve been through family messing up my holiday and I chose not to go to their home anymore on the holiday (different family-related issue), but I was honest about it with everyone, I didn’t try to be coy and deliberately lead people to believe I would be there when I wouldn’t.
Well, that’s not good enough for some people….
Yeah, it kinda is disrespectful to insist it’s your way with no compromise. That’s not being an adult, that’s being a petulant toddler. I know people who enjoy causing shitstorms and controversy. They aren’t fun people to be around. Deliberately causing drama is childish. Trying to work out a solution that works for everyone is being an adult.
Of course, the person who responded had to make it seem like her parents are trying to control who she sleeps with. Maybe they are. Maybe this goes beyond one day. All we have is the initial information from the original post. And though I don’t think she was an asshole for choosing to spend her holiday elsewhere, I do think how she handled it was poor. She should have been honest or tried to work out a compromise *if* she honestly wanted to spend her holidays with her family. There’s nothing wrong with saying “We’re not coming this year, we’re spending the holidays with my partner’s family.” That’s how it should have been handled right from the start if that’s what she wanted to do.
And of course, by blogging about it, I am somehow “forcing my ignorance on others.” I looked briefly at her profile and she’s pretty liberal. This is another case of reminding me that as liberal as I am, there are jerks on the left. I repeated over and over again, compromising one day out of the year shouldn’t be a big deal, unless you want to cause drama and controversy unless you are the type that looks to “score points” off of other people. I think that’s a pretty sad existence, actually. The responder blocked me as I was taking screen shots. That speaks a lot to who I was dealing with that something as innocuous as a reddit thread where opinions are being asked for would make the commenter block me. I usually reserve that for MAGA idiots.
I wouldn’t fly or drive to spend one night. If that’s the problem the OP had with the situation, then be honest about it. The OP and the people who responded seem to have issues trying to make peace with family who share different values. If it was a constant thing, I would understand, but again, be honest about it. If her mother doesn’t like her living arrangements, nothing was said about that. Maybe the OP is tired of hearing her parents harp on her about living with someone without the benefit of marriage. That’s fine – again, be an adult and be honest that you’re not going.
I’m just glad that none of these people are in my family. We have enough drama without someone deliberately trying to provoke controversy over the holidays.
I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday season and peace with their families.
Categories: Personal Stories