That was the image I woke up to this morning. I decided to roll over and stay in bed. I was awake through most of the storm but fell back asleep and didn’t finally get up until almost noon.

After my daughter died, I was on a variety of medications for depression, anxiety, and PTSD. After almost four years of trial and error I was tired of how they made me feel. It was like walking around in a fog all the time and not feeling anything. In 2017 I decided to get off of everything except my blood pressure medication, cold turkey. For about a month I wasn’t bad, then the crash came. I ended back on the depression medication and valium to get me through a few weeks until I felt better. The depression meds were a lower dosage until this year, and I didn’t need anything else.

2020 put me back at square one with depression and anxiety. I hadn’t had many PTSD episodes since I quit the meds in 2017. Here and there I would have a dream that would result in me screaming in my sleep, but the feelings of paralysis and malevolent beings in the room with me had gone away. Recently, I was having the bad dreams and shouting in my sleep episodes more frequently, so I wondered if I should go back on the prazosin.

Last night I tried taking one of the lowest dosage. My answer is a resounding NO. Between sleeping until noon and waking up feeling like I had a brain fog, I remembered why I wanted off of everything. I can’t function like this. It’s now almost 3PM and I’m finally feeling capable of writing something. I didn’t even get dressed all day. I wanted to do a write-up of Ronan Farrow’s book now that I finally finished it, but that’s not happening today. I might do some of my diamond painting, but that’s about it. You’ll get a repost of something from Epinions after this. I’ll probably sleep good again tonight. I just finished watching The Princess and the Frog with my granddaughter. I ran our new robot mop in the kitchen (review of that coming eventually). Not much going on productive today.

It’s hard when the medication that helps you mentally makes you almost non-functional. It’s harder even still when people don’t recognize it. I applied for disability back when I was on the meds and was told I didn’t qualify based on the fact that I could get up and go over and check on my Dad each day when he was alive. I guess the fact that I could do that meant I could go out and work in their eyes. Yet I was on meds that made it nearly impossible to think straight. I couldn’t get it but someone I know who could “volunteer” 12+ hours in a local theater company climbing ladders and doing all sorts of physically demanding things could qualify. I guess I’m not as good at faking shit as other people are.

The prazosin is out and I probably won’t try anything else. I hated the trial and error period where I couldn’t function and I can’t do that right now since I have to try to work.

In Corona Virus news, we have had 67 total positive cases now in this county. Conway seems to be the current “hot spot”. Since everything has opened for summer travel we seem to be seeing one new positive case per day. The worst spot is still in the bigger cities in the state and near the Massachusetts border. As a whole, though, New Hampshire is faring very well and I’m glad we live where we do. We don’t return to school until just before Labor Day, so there’s time to see how it goes before deciding what to do about sending kids.

I was surprised when I answered someone else’s question on Facebook about knowing anyone who had been COVID positive or died just how many of my friends said yes. A few I knew about, but several hadn’t told me and I was shocked to hear it. I knew my friend Michelle who lives in Louisiana had it and nearly died from it. As in, her doctors were having end of life discussions with her. The Liverpool area of the U.K. is a current hotspot as well. I worry about my friends and their loved ones.

I also worry about the businesses here in the Valley. They need to make money over the summer to survive the winter months. It’s been particularly hard on some of them. Our Pizza Hut and Friendly’s look like they aren’t going to re-open and another small Italian restaurant closed its doors and is up for sale. The mom-and-pop motels were also hurting. Keep in mind, the government might tell these people they can’t stay open, but no one tells them they don’t have to pay their property tax bills, or heat or electric. At the beginning of this I said the Valley would look a lot different in a year.

Stay healthy and safe people.